This was an interesting question/discussion posed on Quora:
e, Entrepreneur | Investor | Conn...
IIt's like my hidden secret when I'm out and about.
No one knows that after 5 hours of meeting and greeting people I'm going to feel like a zombie for the next day. Or that it took me about 3 years of practice in order to learn how to begin and engage in an enjoyable conversational experience.
It makes me feel like I hacked the system because I also used to be in the same boat of socially awkward introverts.
In my high school days, I used to hate presentations for class. I remember dreading that feeling when all eyes are on you, watching every movement you make, and hoping that you don't do something stupid or have food stuck between your teeth.
I tried my best to avoid all unnecessary social interaction. Family gatherings were stressful; the formality of greeting aunties and uncles was something I'd happily do without.
Talking to strangers was a big no-no.
Asking for directions or even calling for a waiter made me anxious.
And talking to girls that I didn't already know was a psychological nightmare.
Getting over my insecurity was the first step (I share about my journey here), and then reading How to Win Friends and Influence People (free online copy) gave me a basic framework for social interaction and tools to use in conversation.
After about a year of trial and error, I concluded that the most effective approach was not a set/sequence of questions or lines, but a disposition ofcuriosity.
It's the same attitude you'd carry when you catch up with an old friend. None of the dialogue is scripted or prepared, but because you are curious about what has happened since the last time you've talked, you naturally ask questions and take the time to discover the story.
I'll talk to our janitor, the banker setting up my account, seatmates on an airplane, Uber drivers, bus drivers, taxi drivers, and shuttle drivers. The goal of most of my conversations with strangers is to discover:
One time, I was on a plane from San Diego to San Jose and I spoke with an Indian man who was a father and engineer based in SD who was about to move to San Jose. He grew up in Ethiopia in a gated community and grew up at a private school. Most of his friends' parents were wealthy business owners and most of his friends ended up inheriting the business.
I asked him about child-raising and how there's a tendency for a family's wealth to be gone by the 3rd generation. He confirmed it with his frustration that his children and friends' children were all spoiled and don't have much interest in the family business. We talked the entire flight.
Another time, I was donating blood and I asked my phlebotomist if she planned to be a phlebotomist since day 1. She laughed and told me she needed a switch after being a drug abuse counselor in the Tenderloin for 10 years. I asked her, "Who are the most impressionable people you interacted with during that time?"
She told me about an 18-year-old prostitute who was HIV positive butgenuinely didn't know it was transmittable even through anal sex (she had slept with hundreds of men, most of whom were married).
She told me about an innocent-looking kindergarten teacher who was addicted to coke and heroin and had asked, "How long will this session take? I need to get back to teach."
She told me about a prostitute who had 5 children and charged $5 to her clients... for the whole 9-yards. And as a drug abuse counselor, her first goal was to build up this lady's self esteem so she could feel o-k about charging more.
The thing I've realized over the years is that people are very interesting. And if I take the time to discover peoples' stories, more often than not, my mind is blown by the depth of the human experience.
---
How to Win Friends and Influence People, as mentioned above is the first resource I always recommend, but I would say The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane did a very good job of building on that foundation for me.
I did a short review of it here along with a link to pretty thorough summary of the book here: Brandon Lee's answer to What can I do within a month to become more charismatic?
No one knows that after 5 hours of meeting and greeting people I'm going to feel like a zombie for the next day. Or that it took me about 3 years of practice in order to learn how to begin and engage in an enjoyable conversational experience.
It makes me feel like I hacked the system because I also used to be in the same boat of socially awkward introverts.
In my high school days, I used to hate presentations for class. I remember dreading that feeling when all eyes are on you, watching every movement you make, and hoping that you don't do something stupid or have food stuck between your teeth.
I tried my best to avoid all unnecessary social interaction. Family gatherings were stressful; the formality of greeting aunties and uncles was something I'd happily do without.
Talking to strangers was a big no-no.
Asking for directions or even calling for a waiter made me anxious.
And talking to girls that I didn't already know was a psychological nightmare.
Getting over my insecurity was the first step (I share about my journey here), and then reading How to Win Friends and Influence People (free online copy) gave me a basic framework for social interaction and tools to use in conversation.
After about a year of trial and error, I concluded that the most effective approach was not a set/sequence of questions or lines, but a disposition ofcuriosity.
It's the same attitude you'd carry when you catch up with an old friend. None of the dialogue is scripted or prepared, but because you are curious about what has happened since the last time you've talked, you naturally ask questions and take the time to discover the story.
I'll talk to our janitor, the banker setting up my account, seatmates on an airplane, Uber drivers, bus drivers, taxi drivers, and shuttle drivers. The goal of most of my conversations with strangers is to discover:
- How they ended up where they are -- Was it by choice? Is this an interim position? Did they stumble upon this? Is it all leading to something?
- Do they enjoy where they are at? If yes, what about it is enjoyable to them? If not, what would they rather be doing?
One time, I was on a plane from San Diego to San Jose and I spoke with an Indian man who was a father and engineer based in SD who was about to move to San Jose. He grew up in Ethiopia in a gated community and grew up at a private school. Most of his friends' parents were wealthy business owners and most of his friends ended up inheriting the business.
I asked him about child-raising and how there's a tendency for a family's wealth to be gone by the 3rd generation. He confirmed it with his frustration that his children and friends' children were all spoiled and don't have much interest in the family business. We talked the entire flight.
Another time, I was donating blood and I asked my phlebotomist if she planned to be a phlebotomist since day 1. She laughed and told me she needed a switch after being a drug abuse counselor in the Tenderloin for 10 years. I asked her, "Who are the most impressionable people you interacted with during that time?"
She told me about an 18-year-old prostitute who was HIV positive butgenuinely didn't know it was transmittable even through anal sex (she had slept with hundreds of men, most of whom were married).
She told me about an innocent-looking kindergarten teacher who was addicted to coke and heroin and had asked, "How long will this session take? I need to get back to teach."
She told me about a prostitute who had 5 children and charged $5 to her clients... for the whole 9-yards. And as a drug abuse counselor, her first goal was to build up this lady's self esteem so she could feel o-k about charging more.
The thing I've realized over the years is that people are very interesting. And if I take the time to discover peoples' stories, more often than not, my mind is blown by the depth of the human experience.
---
How to Win Friends and Influence People, as mentioned above is the first resource I always recommend, but I would say The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane did a very good job of building on that foundation for me.
I did a short review of it here along with a link to pretty thorough summary of the book here: Brandon Lee's answer to What can I do within a month to become more charismatic?
Chris Skuller, Forever in Awe of the Universe
This describes me pretty well. Now-a-days, I'm very good at quickly making friends and people seem to enjoy my company, but I greatly prefer to spend time by myself.
It's not that I don't like people, I just prefer spending time with my thoughts. To me, it feels like it takes a considerable amount of my energy to stay in constant contact with people; even my good friends. Like I can't quite relax with others around. I have thought about why this is and here's what I came up with.
This feeling is tied to the systematic way I use to solve my problems.When I was a little kid, I wasn't great at talking to people because my interests always seemed to be different from most others around me. I felt like an alien and I didn't have many friends. This bothered me so I studied what people more popular than me did. I watched how they acted and tried to mimic their behavior, approaching this situation as a problem to be solved. This took considerable effort on my part. It felt like work.
Over time, as I gained more friends, I figured out how to adapt this learned behavior into something of my own, but I was left with certain remnant feelings: interacting with others takes work.
So I guess the answer to your question, it feels like using my social skills slowly but steadily expends my energy and after a while, I have to go back home to recharge.
It's not that I don't like people, I just prefer spending time with my thoughts. To me, it feels like it takes a considerable amount of my energy to stay in constant contact with people; even my good friends. Like I can't quite relax with others around. I have thought about why this is and here's what I came up with.
This feeling is tied to the systematic way I use to solve my problems.When I was a little kid, I wasn't great at talking to people because my interests always seemed to be different from most others around me. I felt like an alien and I didn't have many friends. This bothered me so I studied what people more popular than me did. I watched how they acted and tried to mimic their behavior, approaching this situation as a problem to be solved. This took considerable effort on my part. It felt like work.
Over time, as I gained more friends, I figured out how to adapt this learned behavior into something of my own, but I was left with certain remnant feelings: interacting with others takes work.
So I guess the answer to your question, it feels like using my social skills slowly but steadily expends my energy and after a while, I have to go back home to recharge.
First of all, while more introverts may appear to be shy or socially awkward, introversion really has nothing to do with social aptitude. It's to do with how we process information and how we "re-energise". Introverts tend to process the world internally and require quiet time with minimal interaction to re-charge, while extroverts process the world externally (bouncing ideas and thoughts off others) and gain energy around other people.
As an introvert, I've always been quite good socially... I just need plenty of time to mentally prepare for, and recover from, social events. I also ensure I can come and leave on my own terms, and limit how many social engagements I attend over a short period of time (late Oct to New Year's is always a challenge with lots of parties and events on).
But once I've committed to an event, I can be incredibly chatty and engaging. I even have a reputation for throwing excellent parties (attention to detail and a few simple tricks make all the difference).
The only real downside is that people who don't know me very well assume I'm always like that, so when I decline invitations because I'm pacing myself, or don't have enough "prep" time (I like at least a week's notice) they don't get it, and sometimes take it personally (and don't believe me when I explain I'm an introvert... "You're not an introvert! You're too bubbly to be an introvert!") Even my dear husband - who is an extrovert - struggles to understand why sometimes I'd rather stay home with a book... NEED to stay home with a book.
I really enjoy socialising when I've made the decision to do so, and can be quite the social butterfly... but if I'm not in the right head space, it drains me really quickly and I end up wanting to leave very early, or falling asleep in a corner ;-)
At a very young age I realized that exposing my social discomfort only doubled my mortification -- I felt awful AND others could tell -- so I taught myself to compensate.
The upside. Like most people who have good social skills, I greatly appreciate having the ability to schmooze, make small-talk, and generally engage others in the public sphere. I rarely feel awkward in groups or meeting new people; in fact, I'm good at drawing out other introverted, shy people.
The downside. Weirdly, the longer I know people casually, say from the office, the more difficult it is to reveal my nerdy, singular self. For instance, I detest the office birthday party, a ritual that (apparently) most people enjoy. Still, if some officious individual discovers my birthday and insists that the group "celebrate" it, I have to act like I don't mind. In order to prevent others from seeing my discomfort, I have to act like a phony.
In short, having social skills is tremendously important for getting on in life, but being a closet introvert makes it difficult to form real friendships.
I tested on the severe side of introversion, but I have mad social skills. I'm a social media marketer.
Just because I can hold my own among the extroverts all around me, doesn't mean I prefer to. When possible, I like to be alone. :-)
Exhausting. The thing about introversion (at least in an MBTI sense) is that you draw energy from yourself rather than others. I love interacting with people - it's when I learn the most about myself, others, and the world - but I find it very draining (especially in large groups) and often need to isolate myself afterwards to recharge.
However, it's also extremely gratifying. I've always been a sociable (if quiet) person and I love being around people, even just as an observer. As a child, my quietness would often be mistaken for standoffishness, but over the years, I've learned to push myself out of my comfort zone and communicate clearly that just because I'm being quiet does not mean I'm not interested - quite the contrary.
I think the problem with introversion is that we feel like we suffer through interactions that are inflicted upon us and out of our control - but that does not need to be the case. Like Brandon Lee, being naturally curious has helped me enormously because I'm genuinely interested in what people have to say. However, I wasn't always good at communicating that.
I'm still most comfortable when in my dark little corner filled with manga, films, and books, but I love being around people too much to stay there. So occasionally I poke my head out. And if it means stepping out of my comfort zone and taking risks (what if I say the wrong thing?!), then so be it. Don't get me wrong - it's been a gradual process, I'm still learning, and it still causes me a great deal of anxiety, but overall, I'm a much happier person for it.
Learning to be more outgoing (because it's not about social skills as such, it's about reaching out to others) has allowed me to connect with many amazing people including introverts who would have been too shy to reach out to me had I not reached out to them, and extroverts who would have otherwise thought I wasn't interested.
It feels like people around me are fascinating masses of useful knowledge that can help me enrich my personality, experience and art. I have learnt how to behave so that conflict is avoided and comfortable situations are created, I know what works and what doesn't and I apply this knowledge so that I'm not distracted by hostility or miscommunication while I interact with people. All this useful "data" is stored to be used later when I'm finally alone with my projects. I don't consciously do this and I don't see people as tools to my advancement: I have respect and genuinely like learning more about people. But I realized everything, everything I do, deep inside, has that final goal: creating and improving. On my own.
Those are the most exilarating feelings to me.
I don't look for interactions with people, but that happens, especially if you travel a lot. It used to stress me out, but I had to adapt: being forced to often move in and out of the city/country taught me how to develop a friendly, confident and welcoming attitude towards strangers. I've become good at small talk and making new people feel comfortable around me. I like people. I don't mind interacting; it feeds my ideas and and creativity, and these new "discoveries" can be applied later when I can go back to my sweet, personal artistic activities. Interacting helps me see new points of view and improve myself.
I honestly enjoy company and I'm not afraid of strangers, but I'm just not especially interested in them. Prolonged contact, unless it's with close friends (and even with them, I like relatively small doses), makes me long my alone time with my hobbies and interests and creative efforts.
My only big exception is my partner. We're both like that and after almost three years we can't seem to get enough of each other!
I don't look for interactions with people, but that happens, especially if you travel a lot. It used to stress me out, but I had to adapt: being forced to often move in and out of the city/country taught me how to develop a friendly, confident and welcoming attitude towards strangers. I've become good at small talk and making new people feel comfortable around me. I like people. I don't mind interacting; it feeds my ideas and and creativity, and these new "discoveries" can be applied later when I can go back to my sweet, personal artistic activities. Interacting helps me see new points of view and improve myself.
I honestly enjoy company and I'm not afraid of strangers, but I'm just not especially interested in them. Prolonged contact, unless it's with close friends (and even with them, I like relatively small doses), makes me long my alone time with my hobbies and interests and creative efforts.
My only big exception is my partner. We're both like that and after almost three years we can't seem to get enough of each other!
It feels like learning a new skill and being amazed at how well you're doing it for the first or umpteenth time. Like seeing how long you can last in the lion's den at the same time being fully aware of the pride's reactions. It feels exhilarating and after it is all done, the looking back at the moment is very nice.
Just like anything else: Practice, practice, practice.
I am an extreme introvert, and I used to shake in my shoes when giving presentations, despite giving them through a BA and an MS. However, I was asked to be the graduate assistant for a programming in psych class, where the professor taught the logic portion, and I taught the coding portion. I was scared to death, but after about week 3, I had gotten to know the students, and it was like talking with friends.
Later, I found a job in Student Services at a local technical college, where I was required to teach one class per quarter. I ended up with a speech class the first quarter, which was a joke, because once again, I was scared to death. Fortunately for me, I had a terrible cold, and my voice was shot. None of the students could tell how nervous I was.
Eventually, I started teaching full-time, and it got easier every quarter. I taught programming, medical transcription and psychology. I still get nervous on the first day of the quarter, which is why I make the students do most of the talking, telling me about themselves. That way, I feel like I know them well enough to not be so nervous.
The more I taught, the easier it became. I started deriving pleasure from those "light bulb" moments, when a student finally understands a difficult concept. I actually had several students *thank* me for a lecture in psychology!
I still need a lot of quiet time alone, and am lucky enough to have a roommate who understands.
A suggestion: Ask a friend to invite you to dinner with a small number of friends. Try to have a conversation with at least one of them. Ask these people about themselves; most people love it when you ask them to talk about themselves. Watch the other people in the group interact, and try to emulate them. If it doesn't help, it's okay, because you might never see any of them. If it goes well, you may have made good friends! You can also agree on some signal with your friend to intervene if you start feeling overwhelmed.
The more you socialize, the better you get at it. Ease yourself into it. If you still feel self-conscious, talk to a professional, who can guide you through the process of systematic desensitization, which is helpful for treating phobias. Medication is also an option for treating social phobias, or you could join a therapy or self-help group, where everyone else feels just as you do, so they will be gentler with you than most other people will.
But don't give up. Positive interactions will reinforce your ability to socialize.
I am an extreme introvert, and I used to shake in my shoes when giving presentations, despite giving them through a BA and an MS. However, I was asked to be the graduate assistant for a programming in psych class, where the professor taught the logic portion, and I taught the coding portion. I was scared to death, but after about week 3, I had gotten to know the students, and it was like talking with friends.
Later, I found a job in Student Services at a local technical college, where I was required to teach one class per quarter. I ended up with a speech class the first quarter, which was a joke, because once again, I was scared to death. Fortunately for me, I had a terrible cold, and my voice was shot. None of the students could tell how nervous I was.
Eventually, I started teaching full-time, and it got easier every quarter. I taught programming, medical transcription and psychology. I still get nervous on the first day of the quarter, which is why I make the students do most of the talking, telling me about themselves. That way, I feel like I know them well enough to not be so nervous.
The more I taught, the easier it became. I started deriving pleasure from those "light bulb" moments, when a student finally understands a difficult concept. I actually had several students *thank* me for a lecture in psychology!
I still need a lot of quiet time alone, and am lucky enough to have a roommate who understands.
A suggestion: Ask a friend to invite you to dinner with a small number of friends. Try to have a conversation with at least one of them. Ask these people about themselves; most people love it when you ask them to talk about themselves. Watch the other people in the group interact, and try to emulate them. If it doesn't help, it's okay, because you might never see any of them. If it goes well, you may have made good friends! You can also agree on some signal with your friend to intervene if you start feeling overwhelmed.
The more you socialize, the better you get at it. Ease yourself into it. If you still feel self-conscious, talk to a professional, who can guide you through the process of systematic desensitization, which is helpful for treating phobias. Medication is also an option for treating social phobias, or you could join a therapy or self-help group, where everyone else feels just as you do, so they will be gentler with you than most other people will.
But don't give up. Positive interactions will reinforce your ability to socialize.
Anonymous
I am an introvert. (The anonymity proves it, he he he)! I always wanted to have social skills. For example, every time I see something in videos, like, a person cleaning the waste of the road by himself, I wanted to do the same. But in real time, I will not do it because I feel to do it when no one is around and that doesn't happen. It is quite difficult to improve social skills.
